That's my girl

Do you have a friend that sends you those obnoxious emails where you have to fill out a bunch of information about yourself? What you like, what you would do, where you would go, and all that? I hate those things. And my daughter sends them to me. I never send them on but I do read what she sends me. She sent me this one and I laughed pretty hard. I don't think I wet myself, but could be, I haven't checked. As for her sense of humor, I see the apple has not fallen far from the tree. Enjoy.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
No. But I have rubbed it against my chest ( with a shirt on, you pervs ). Doing that I discovered that most CD's are male.

What' s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated ?
Me and Dr. McCoy are gonna beam down for " exploratory research" . .... Just kidding! I've never dated .

Ever been in a car wreck ?
Oh my god! I killed Kenny !

Were you popular in high school?
Oh yeah. All those wall bricks had crushes on me.

Have you ever been on a blind date?
I have glasses, but I'm not that blind ....

Are looks important?
Judging by the font, I'd say the person who created this survey doesn't think so.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more? ?
Let' s just say that the phrase " friends & family" applies to the same people.

By what age would you like to be married?
Preferably . . . . after I die. That way, I won' t have to stress about loosing weight for the wedding.

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?
Only if they aren't safety and hygiene conscious.

Have you ever made a mistake?
" mees- tahk- ey"? what the heck does that mean? Is it a craft ?

Are you a good tipper?
I guess so. I tip over pretty far when I'm tired .

What' s the most you have spent for a haircut?
Oh, about 8 pound s of my dignity.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Fictional teachers are hotter.

Have you ever peed in public?
Does an abandoned hiking trail count as " public"?

What song do you want played at your funeral?
" Come What May" from the moulin rouge sound track . Some people will love it, some will get pissed off, and others will just get it stuck in their head.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
I would on April Fools Day.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
Anything and every thing that I could think of. I'd just have a smorgasbord and share with all the other . . . . . wait a minute... why am I getting executed?!

Beatles or Stones?
Bugs are gross , but some rocks are pretty.

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who?
Just one? .... awwww ...

Beer, wine or hard liquor?:
Wine COOLER. Or Daiquiris.

Do you have any phobias?
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Interpret that how you please.

Do you walk around the house naked ?
Which house ? MY house ? No way, that' s just asking for dog hair in weird places.

If you were an animal what would you be?
An animal. Duh.

Hair color you like on someone you' re dating?
How about . . . .NOT pink.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
How about I keep both those senses and give up my sense of smell .

Do you have any special talents?
I can touch my feet to my head. . . . ..as far as you know.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house ?
Drop every thing I carry on the nearest horizontal surface and sit down.

Do you like horror or comedy?
I like them both, as a set.

Are you missing anyone?
( Looks around) No, I don' t think so. They' re all here.

If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?
Wow. . . . that thought never occurred to me until now. And I'll try not to ever think of it again .

Where do you want to live when you are old?
Not here.

Who is the person you can count on the most?
The Count from Sesame street. Seriously, he just goes on forever.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Hitler, so I can order the most expensive meal and then leave before he gets there . Also, I would poison the wine.

What did you dream last night ?
Something about . .... a dream .

What is your favorite sport to watch ?
I like to watch good sports who don' t get pissed when you play pranks on them.

Are you named after anyone?
I'm sure there were lots of people who were named before me.

Non alcoholic drink ?
Yes, please.

Have you ever been in love?
I don' t think so. But if I ever find it, I'll be sure to write down the address.

Do you sing in the shower?
And in the car, and in my room, and in the hall, and while I'm working, and to bug my brothers.
Have you ever been arrested?
I've slept well before, but not lately.

What is your favorite holiday?
My birthday. .... Shut up! It is so a national holiday!

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
No. What' s the point in giving plastic surgery? It's inanimate, just throw it away!

Have you ever caught a fish?
Yeah, but I threw it back. I didn' t want to eat it, I just wante d to make it late for something.

Conversation with an 8 year old

"I'm really in bad shape, Dad."

"You're really in bad shape? Why?"

"Cause I can't find my jersey."

"You're jersey? What jersey?"

"My soccer jersey."

"Where'd you put it?"

"I swear I put it right up here."

"On the kitchen counter?"

"Yeah"

"And it's not there?"

"No! And now I'm in bad shape."

"Did you look upstairs?"

"No! I put it right here and now it's gone."

"You put your soccer jersey on the kitchen counter and now it's gone?"

"Yeah, Dad!"

"Hmmm."

"I'm gonna look upstairs in my...uh..."

"In your closet?"

"No, Dad...yeah, in my closet."

Feet pounding up the stairs.

"Found it! No, wait, that's not it. That's my basketball jersey. Oh, here it is."

"Imagine that. A jersey in the closet. On a hanger no less. What'll they think of next."

"I don't know. Maybe one of those things that makes peanut butter sandwiches for you."

"Yeah, that would be cool. But what if you're allergic to Peanut butter?"

"Then you could load it with ham or turkey or even tuna."

"Tuna?! Yuck!"

"Yeah. I hate tuna too. Isn't that cat hilarious?"

"Yes, Preston. The cat's hilarious."

"What's allergic mean, Dad?"

"It means you can't eat something without getting sick."

"Like I'm allergic to Mom's fish?"

"No, you just don't like fish"

"But whenever I eat it I feel like throwing up. That means I'm allergic to it."

"No, that means you don't like it"

"But you said..."

"Preston, go see if your mom's awake yet."

"Ok, Dad. MOM!! Are you awake?"

Isn't life grand.

Here I sit, brokenhearted...

No, it's not what you think. I'm not in the potty. Actually, I'm sitting on the shoulder of the road. I-65 southbound at the 181 yardstick, which is about 7 miles north of Lafayette, Indiana. And no, I'm not taking a break. I'm waiting on the road repair guy. I called our office, they looked up a couple numbers, I called one, they sent me to another shop, that guy said it'll be an hour or so before my man can get there. Fine. Can't go nowhere anyway.

I bet you can cut the tension with a knife. "What happened, John?" I hear you all asking.

Not much really. Just blew a tire on my trailer. Rearmost axle, passenger side, inner dual. Get the picture. Luckily, I've got a spare hanging underneath, just need the man to come and swap the tires out for me on the rim. No big deal for me, really. But it was a little scary for the truck that was following me when it blew. If you're not familiar with the inner workings of trucks here's something new for you.

When we lose pressure in a tire, the term used is "blow" or "blew". We very seldom get "flats". Only once have I walked around and checked the tires and found one that was flat. When they go flat, it's usually at 60 mph and the result is quite, how shall we say, explosive. When this one went there was a loud boom, lots of dust and flying tread. The truck behind me was a little close and a quick glance in my mirror saw him nosing down and dodging debris. Here comes the man. That was quick.

It's now 10pm and I'm sitting in the dock at the post office in Columbus. I was due here at 830 and I just backed in about 5 minutes ago. They've got 23 skids of Sports Illustrated coming off here so I may be an hour or so. It doesn't take long once they get started. It just seems that it takes a while to get started. From here I'm just looking for a place to park and eat a warm meal. Well, look at that, there's the first bang on the trailer. That was quick. I'll get back with you.

OK. It was an alright day even considering the blowout and subsequent running late. But now I'm pissed. My favorite truck stop is closing. There's a Pilot and a Flying J at the 131 on 71 northbound and then another Pilot at the 140. But I usually run up to the 151 where there's a Duke Travel plaza. The restaurant has good food and the lot is large and always has open spots, even late at night. Pilot's only have fast food places any more, Subway at 131 and Arby's at 140, and sometimes you just want a good hot meal after a long day. Arby's is way over priced for the quality and Subway just doesn't float my boat anymore. So I pull into the Duke longing for a good hot grilled chicken sandwich and some fries. Straight into the lot, straight into a spot with empties on either side, no idlers around me and I'm wore out. I stroll over to the restaurant and my heart drops into my stomach. All the lights are out. What? There's a sign on the door. "We're sorry. Our restaurant is no longer open for third shift. The restaurant hours are now 6am to 10pm. We're sorry for the inconvenience." AW MAN!! Sorry?! What now? Behind me is a convenience area. Crap food in the soda fridges, you know. I go look. Maybe I'll get a couple burritos and throw them in the microwave. I just need something hot. Nope, no burritos. Let's see what's over here. Not much. A couple pepper loaf sandwiches, a couple ham and cheesers, and one roast beef with cheese that looks like it's been there since Clinton was in office. Oh my, what a feast.

So I'm back in the truck, snacking on some Fritos and one ham sandwich is gone. Another day over and done with. Started at 7 this morning. Oh look, it's tomorrow morning already. 1245 am.

Guess what. No alarm will be placed in service tonight, or this morning rather. I'll get up when I wake up. Period. End of discussion. Have a nice day.

Well, I couldn't end this on a down note. So here's an up note. I'm going on the radio this afternoon on the show "A way with words". They want me to call them and pose a question to the hosts. Cool, huh? Tell you later about that. Have fun and get some sleep. I'm outta here.

Going for breakfast

I was sent to the store this morning to get eggs and biscuits for breakfast. Preston wants to go with me.

Sure thing.

We stop and get coffee for me a soda for him and for his mom. On the way to the store I hear, "You're the best dad in the world."

"Naw, I'm probably not the best, but I may be up there."

"Yeah, Dad. You're the best...Except for God. He's the best."

"You think?"

"Yeah, cause He could finish a video game in like...SNAP!"

I wonder.