Child rearing

Some of you know that my wife and I have been fostering children now for a few years and in an attempt to maintain the appropriate licensing we are required to undergo a specific amount of training every year. Some of this training is very worthwhile and some of it is just common sense.

But one thing I have noticed is that they always use mnemonics, a memory aid used to help remember some child rearing skill.

On that note, I thought I might share with you one of my favorite mnemonics regarding the raising of children. Goes like this.

COPING

C-Control
O-Orient
P-Patterns
I-Investigate
N-Negotiate
G-Give

Let me walk you through this. Let's say that you have a child who is having a particularly hard day. And let's say that you need that child to complete some chores around the house; dishes, laundry, wallpapering, drywall, things like that. And let's say that this child decides that he/she doesn't want to do these itty bitty chores and decides also at this point that he/she would rather throw a fit or protest in some other childish manner. The Mnemonic COPING will help you remember the appropriate way to handle this child, or others like him/her.

C-CONTROL:
Always maintain control. Above all else, make sure that you are in control of yourself. And even more important, make sure you are in control of the child. Don't let the child have any control. This will only exacerbate the problem and the child will actually respect you less. If necessary use a restraint move or even handcuffs. If you cannot gain control over the child, order Chinese food. When it arrives the child will ask for some. Just say No! Again, it's all about control.

O-Orient:
Orient is where Chinese food comes from. This will help you remember that even though there are more oriental than non-orientals, they are not in control. We Americans are. And we will remain in control. So it is with children. There are more children, like orientals, but they are not in control. We adults are.

P-Patterns:
Look for patterns in your loss of control. Maybe you can't maintain control over the child only on weekends, or during your monthly cycle, or on Tuesdays between 6:00 and 6:10. If this is the case, give up and get a job at 7-11 or McDonald's. Children need consistent adults.

I-Investigate:
Investigate your options for overpowering the child in a crisis situation. This means that you need to look for subtle ways that you can maintain control over the child. Withholding food or sleep works well with teenagers. Little kids, not so much.

N-Negotiate:
This is particularly applicable to foster parents. Learn to negotiate for larger a per diem with the agency. When there is an upcoming visit with a case worker, it helps to get the child "riled up" and angry just before the case worker arrives. This way you can point to the behavior and tell the case worker that the "therapeutic level" of the child needs to be raised and therefore you make more money. Of course, if the case worker doesn't show up, then you can just lock the child in his/her room until he/she calms down. (See Investigate)

G-Give:
Give the child control... "Wait" you say. "All this time you've been saying maintain control over the child and now you're saying to give the child control?!" Just be quiet and let me finish. Why do you always interrupt like that? You should learn to be more polite like your brother. Sheesh!
As I was saying, Give the child control but only when they are getting ready to leave your home and go somewhere else. Make sure that the child knows that wherever they go next, be it on their own or another foster home, or even juvenile hall, they, the child, is? are? the boss. This will give them a small amount of self-esteem. Not too much though, since that would be dangerous. Let the child be in control around someone else.


I hope this helps. We don't claim to be experts but between us we have something like 439 years of experience. I think we know a thing or two.