I didn't realize two weeks have gone by since my last post. Same old problem, kids and work. If it's not one thing it's another. But I wouldn't trade either for anything right now.
So why do I feel so alone sometimes. this is something I have been struggling with lately. Sorry if this isn't my usual happy go lucky post. Sometimes life gets in the way and I just want to keep rolling when everyone in front of me is stopped for that red light.
Been married 23 years. Have 4 kids. An adoption is in the works. I have an excellent job. It pays well and I enjoy it. I have a house, renting but at least a roof over my head. Two cars, three dogs a cat and a couple fish. There are so many other ways that I am blessed. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
So what's the deal? Why should I feel like moping and throwing ye old pity party? My wife lives in the same house with me, that's usually how it works, and yet I miss her. I tell her that and she says the same thing and then life gets in the way and we still miss each other. We try to take time with each other and but it usually doesn't happen without some very serious planning aforehand. Which takes any spontaneity out of the picture and seems to ruin it.
Man, this is a really depressing post. If you want to keep reading, go ahead. If not, see ya next time and have a good day.
You would think after being married 23 years we would have this thing down better than this. Her sister is two doors down and her folks are moving to town. I already miss my wife. Will I miss her more? I read Diane's blog and I am seriously, intensely jealous of the time they have together. I know life is not always a bed of roses. I'm not an idiot. But then there should at least be a rose here and there. Wouldn't you think?
So what to do? We separated once a few years ago and I really don't want to go through that again nor do I want a divorce. She's an unbelievably sweet and wonderful woman. I just don't want to share her. Is that selfish? If so, right now, I don't care. I don't want to share my wife. I saw the TV show and the movie and neither one was any good.
What is going through my mind right now is that I need to step up and make the changes that are necessary. She likes surprises. So I will surprise her. She likes chocolate, what woman doesn't, and she likes candles. Maybe a chocolate candle?
So I need to work on this. My problem is that when I get down and feeling alone, which happens from time to time, I don't always make the right choices regarding how to deal with my loneliness, and I usually feel worse.
AM posted about online shopping and I don't do much of that. Maybe I can surprise her with something special. I need some help though. If you know of cool places to go online, please, please, please, let me know.
Sorry again that this isn't so joyful here but it's early Saturday morning and the house is quiet and...well, enough excuses.
So help...
Her likes: Little house on the Prairie, The Walton's, Chocolate, candles, scrap booking, children, babies, Americana, Dean Koontz, Stephen King, Kenny G, Kenny Loggins, buying things for other people, Willow tree stuff, action movies.
Dislikes: Coffee, gossip magazines, nuclear war, vegetables, laundry.
If you're a guy, what would you do for a woman like this? If you're a woman like this or even if you're not like this but still a woman, what would you want done for you? And remember, 4 kids and two of them in college. Money isn't growing on trees here, it's being yanked up by the roots and that only with much fight and determination. Email me if you want.
She's a great wife and we need some spark back.
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6 comments:
Although a girlfriend did this for me, it would have been wonderful if my husband had done it.
I came home and saw a trail of Hershey Kisses on the floor. Obviously I followed them, to a note from Julie saying that she "Kissed the Ground I walked on."
How about a trail of kisses to the bathroom where you will have filled the tub with bubbles and surrounded it with those chocolate candles?
The problem is keeping those kids & pets away from the kisses. Maybe the trail could only be in one room. This does take some perfect timing to be sure the bathwater is still hot. Even better if that sister down the street could take the kids for a few hours. You may need the sister as an accomplice.
I would sit down and write her a love letter, telling her how much she means to you and how much you want to spend time with her. Include it with some scrap book mementos so she could do a couple of pages around your letter so she can always go back and read it and know how much she means to you. As a security measure, include a box of great chocolates!
First of all, it not such a downer post to me. Sounds very normal.
Secondly, with all that is going on in your lives, how in the world can you both connect without an act of Congress? Can I just say it sounds rather overwhelming?
Third, trust your instincts.
AM hit the nail on the head. Ask for some time alone. Farm the kids out to the close-by family members for at least 3 hours.
Plan a little meal-nothing difficult, just a little special and share some quiet time. Don't try to deal with problems or talk things out or jump up and clean. Just share the quiet time. Although you should tell her you wanted her all to yourself and why. Buy her a smelly good candle and draw a bath for both of you. The love letter idea from Diane is good too. And don't say you don't have that in you. We know better.
The act will speak louder than the gift. It's the time you spent and the thought behind it that speaks the loudest.
Ok, what else can we help with now that we are rolling???!
I'm a quilter, not a scrapbooker, but this might help anyway. Getting a couple half-yard pieces of quilting fabric of the givers choosing would be fabulous for me. When you go into the quilt shop don't pick the fabric based on what you think I'd like, but what you like. So, go into a scrapbooking shop while you're out on the road and pick up some special papers that you like, so they mean something special to Sheila. In the quilting world, the fabric choices in the shops are reflections of the shop owners & buyers so shop selections are regionally different.
I'm guessing this might hold true for specialty papers. You might find something completely different in St. Louis and in Las Vegas as Sheila might find at home.
Oh, and order a chocolate candle from Hershey's. Can't go wrong there.
Take the family out for ice cream!
Really.
With apologies to AM, while the grand romantic gesture has its place, I don't think its what you were really aiming at. Less than 1% of life are big events. The key to it all is muddling through the other 99% with a reasonable level of contentment. And it sounds as if this is where you want things to improve. I think you should be looking for opportunities to do pleasant, stress free activities together on a regular basis. Yeah, just pleasant, not thrilling or earth shattering. Just things that you can do together without a lot of distraction.
Stress free means get out of the house, because the house is one of the biggest stressors in our lives. Lawns to be mowed and dishes to be washed. She's not going to fully enjoy that Hershey Kiss trail if it leads past the huge laundry pile.
Forget spontaneity. Its impossible for 2 people to be happily spontaneous at the same time. Life gets in the way. Once I'm home and I've got the sweat pants and t-shirt on, I'm in for the evening. No spur of the moment idea will get me out.
Aim for what I call "planned spontaneity". Identify fun things to do and make the arrangements needed to actually do them. Once your there, opportunities for spontaneity show themselves.
Arrange to meet for lunch for no particular reason. Suggest taking a couple hours off of work one day to have some kid free time.
Read the local paper and pick out things that sound interesting and actually do them. She likes Kenny Loggins and Kenny G? Take her to the local high school chorus show. You'll be surprised by how talented some of the kids are. Check out the nearby college or community college jazz ensemble. Pick up some carry out food and go to a park or scenic overlook and eat your dinner in the car with the radio on to something she likes. If you can stand plays (I can't), take her to the community theater. Anything pleasant where you both can relax and free yourselves from outside burdens for a short time. The smaller the event the better as their are fewer expectations and more opportunities to be pleasantly surprised. If my marriage is any indicator, its up to you to find these things. I think wives are more grounded so its up to the husband to be the flighty one. So you're the one who has to identify, suggest, and plan your times together. You've got to be the goofy one who suggests heading to the kite festival or driving around to see all of the Christmas lights.
Include the kids in some of these activities because fatherhood is sexy. Really!
Honestly, there's nothing better than packing the family up in the car and going out for ice cream. And take a different route home just for the heck of it. Once you're actually out, there are opportunities to be spontaneous.
And finally, I think one of the best things you could do would be to start taking walks together. Just 20 minutes an evening with as much or as little conversation as you all feel like. It will give you both the chance to decompress and to enjoy one another's presence.
Just my feelings as a fellow married male.
Sounds like good advice from everyone.
Marriage is a journey. Just like individuals, marriages go through peaks and valleys, dark times and good times. Right now your marriage is in a busy, chaotic time. Dan has good suggestions - seize every little opportunity for fun. Dennis brings me a single rose for no occasion except he is thinking about me. Hang in there. Hold on to each other. It really won't be very long until the kids grow up and leave and there will be more time exclusively for each other. Share your dreams and feelings. It's OK to feel irritated by all the sharing you have to do. It is just part of life.
You are good man. You guys are blessed and you know it.
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