Road Signs

Just a few road signs I thought you might find interesting.

Don't think I have enough horsepower.

Not sure I had the clearance for this tunnel.

Now what do I do?

Good thing I was driving.

Damn toll roads!

Toughman

I went to a Toughman competition Friday with a friend from church. Her husband had received free ringside VIP tickets from work and she really wanted to go but her husband didn't want to go. He also didn't want her to go alone or with another girlfriend, these shows being what they are, and so she asked my wife if she would mind if I went with her. Then she asked me. I said sure and it was pretty cool. Not exactly what I thought but fun for a night out of the house.

My friend is a boxing fan and I follow it sometimes. I guess as far as these fights here, I was expecting more than I saw. Mostly guys off the street who thought they were good fighters. Didn't look like any more than 5 of them had trained at all or were in decent shape and that's out of 43 fighters. The fights mostly looked like playground brawls. Lots of arm swinging and wild throws.

As I said, it was fun for a night out but I wouldn't spend my own money on it. Free tickets are hard to turn down though. One sad note was that there were two fighters who were 38 and 43. the announcer said they were fighting in the Senior Division. 38 is a senior?! Maybe I can get my coffee discounted at McDonalds now.

Me, I'm not much of a fighter. Never have been. Never really needed to. Most fellows were scared off by my dashing good looks and my extreme confident demeanor. That and the quivering lower lip and tears running down my face.

But you can call me Braveheart.

Open Sky

I got home yesterday about 2pm and something just looked different. I couldn't tell what was different about my house. then it hit me. the tree in my front yard, the largest in the neighborhood, was GONE!! In it's place was...well... nothing! Just a stump where the tree had been and about a third of the tree still laying in the yard for someone to pick up. It was a big beautiful Poplar tree and it really fit well. Apparently the city made the decision that it was easier to cut the tree down than to keep coming back every couple years to trim it and keep it out of the high lines that run right next to my house. So...now I have this big piece of open sky in my front yard.

Now to give them credit, they had told me that they wanted to cut it down, and I wasn't real pleased about it but I wasn't really given much of an option. I guess I could have chained my kids out there to prevent the cutting of the tree but they would have probably had a problem with that, what with it getting cold at night now.

So now I guess I need to go buy some trees. Anybody got any suggestions on what kind of trees I should plant? I was thinking some smaller ones, to keep them from being cut down again, and my wife would love some that flower up real nice. I guess I should check and see what grows good around here. Maybe I'll do that next.

We got word from the county that they have set the court date for the aforementioned adoption proceedings to occur on December 28. Now wouldn't that be a cool Christmas present? Does Santa deliver 7 year olds? Apparently so.


Quick question. Do women sometimes wink at men as a form of greeting and not necessarily mean something like 'Hey, I think you're cute' or ' Want to take me out for a drink'? I was in the DMV or BMV or Hell, whichever they call it in your area, getting my drivers license renewed yesterday, two days late I might add, and I had just been handed my new license. I was sitting there checking the info and admiring my new picture, and as I stood to leave a young woman, thirtyish, had just walked in. I looked up and smiled in greeting. She smiled at me and winked. I was a little surprised. I'm not used to having anyone but my wife wink at me and then only when she's trying to pull something over on the kids. I asked my wife about this and she said that she thought some women did but probably not very many. I'm not sure if I should believe her though since she doesn't get out of the house but about once every two months or so.

So what do ya'll think? Let me know, please.

What a week. Up and down, up and down. And not even the fun kind of up and down. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. As I said before, I went to those two funerals. One young man was big in custom bikes and there were more bikers at his funeral than any other culture that I could tell. It was certainly an interesting time. The other funeral, my s-i-l’s brother, was packed. I’d bet there were 500 people there. He grew up in that area and very active in transplant advocacy, sports, and his family. It was a beautiful time. Lots of tears, sure, but still a beautiful time.

As a result of these two funerals, I have made a decision. I am going to do my own funeral. Preach the Eulogy, I mean. I can hear you saying, “John, you’re insane. How can you preach your own funeral if you are dead?” Video, my friend. Video. I am going to purchase a cheap video camera or get a web cam and every six months or so I will update my funeral speech, just in case I go unexpectedly. That way I can make everyone laugh and there won’t be so many tears.

Actually, my kids think it’s a great idea. They want me to put one of those remote control fart machines in the casket with me with a motion sensor on it so if anyone gets real close it’ll go off. I think I’m also going to build my own casket at work and use it as a coffee table until the time comes. That way my wife or kids, whoever is left, won’t need to buy an expensive coffin.
I will have instructions left that my funeral cannot cost more than $500 dollars, not including the food, (the food alone for the several thousand people that will show up would be much more than that.) Then after the funeral I will be cremated and my ashes spread over the lawn of the IRS building in DC. Two reasons for that. They will have gotten most everything else already and it’ll give my family another chance to go to DC and visit the zoo and the Smithsonian.

Ok, enough with my funeral. Right now I’m sitting in Ontario, NY at a service plaza and I can’t move for another 9 hours or so. I’m out of hours and since I’ve been running toll roads all day there’s no way to stretch it out. I’m pretty tired since I was up late last night cause my family was throwing me a b-day party. It’s the big 45 now. Is this middle age or did I already pass it? Sure doesn’t feel like it.

Got some really cool gifts. My wife bought me an XM satellite radio for my truck, which I will probably spend the weekend trying to hook up. I love it! My daughter got me a disc cleaner so that I can clean the DVD’s that I’m burning without having to return them. And a really cool gift was a surprise to everyone, even the friend who bought it. She’s not a big book reader but she heard me say once that I collect first edition books. I don’t have anything real special as far as I know but I love books and maybe some day they’ll be worth something. One of my favorite authors is Larry McMurtry, a phenomenal writer. Anyway, she was in a flea market and bought several books that appeared to her to be first editions. She picked one up by Larry McMurtry cause she remembered the name not knowing anything about the book or the author, just that I liked him. Turns out what she bought for a dollar was a first edition copy of the book “Horsemen Pass By”, the very first book that Larry McMurtry ever wrote. Copyright is 1961. The dust jacket is not in great shape but it is still really really cool. A piece of history. If you’re not familiar with the book, it was made into a movie called “Hud” which starred a very young Paul Newman.

Oh and one more thing. I forgot that my drivers license expires on my birthday and so I sit here in NY with a dead license. I should make it home ok. If not, maybe I'll get sent back to Nevada.

I’m off, have fun, be safe and remember, shiny side up, rubber side down.

Real life

Lies, or stories, whichever you want to call them are hard to maintain. Sometimes life gets in the way of fantasy and one just does not have the energy to keep up the charade. On that note I will abandon this tale of far off travel and return to the real world of my life here in wonderful cold, rainy, snowy, dreary Ohio. Can't you just feel the enthusiasm?

So many things to do that I really don't want to do. A funeral of the son of an ex-co-worker to go to today and the viewing Sunday and funeral Monday of my sister-in-laws brother.

The coworkers son was 24 and killed in a car accident and my sister-in-laws brother was 30 and died from an infection picked up somehow during a routine hernia operation. I say routine. Is it routine anytime someone cuts the body open and moves things around inside? I think we have reached that point somehow where that is our view.

Two young men. I've got 20 years on one and 14 on the other. Both of them active and sports oriented. Me? I live a fairly sedentary life, and yet I still toddle on, doing my thing. It was close last year, sure, but I guess I really didn't let that sink in. I am not 24 anymore. Neither am I 30. I am, statistically, on the down hill side of middle age. Why then do I still feel as though my life is still just beginning. I've seen the t-shirts that say "I may grow old but I refuse to grow up" and sometimes I think this has become my personal mantra. Both of these men enjoyed life, as far as I could see. One was an advocate for transplants, and those that deal with that particular issue, and the other built custom motorcycles. They took what time they had and enjoyed it. I should do the same.

Kyle, my sister-in-laws brother, had a relationship with God and therefore a hope for more after this life. The other young man, I do not know what his beliefs were. Personally, I believe that this world is not enough. I personally need the hope that there is more than what we see here and so I hope for a life eternal. Some do some don't. This is not my pulpit. This is my armchair. This is where I share with those who care to share. I hope that there is rest from the ugliness I see here. I hope there is a clearer image of the beauty I see here. I hope I do not have to say "I am sorry for your loss" one more time after this weekend. I am sure that will not be the case, but I can hope.

Unless I leave this world fairly soon, I imagine that I will say those words again. God, I hate those words. They are never enough. So I think of what I can do. I remember the story of a man who's friend had lost a young child to death. At a loss for words of comfort, he went to his friends house the morning of the funeral and shined all the family member's shoes. One less thing for them to need to worry about. I guess that's the attitude I want to have. Men tend to think they need to do something and so we look for that opening. I'm a man and so I will not fight against my nature. What can I do to help? Is it shining shoes, taking care of the children, washing dishes, driving family members here and there? Let me do something to help.

Remember the story of Job in the bible? The devil has a bet with God that he can get Job to curse God and God takes him up on it. Job loses everything except his wife. During his mourning 3 friends come to visit him. A lot of attention has been given in sermons of the words that these 3 friends spoke. One thing that struck me when I read this story is that when these 3 friends came to Job they didn't say anything for SEVEN days! For seven days they sat with their friend and kept quiet and just let him know that they were mourning with him. I think this was the smartest thing they did. Ah, but then they had to start talking and screwed it all up. Us men, we want to fix it. Sometimes we can't fix it and sometimes we shouldn't even try. My wife doesn't always want to hear what I think she should do different to solve her problems. Sometimes my wife wants me to shut up and listen to her vent her frustrations. That took a long time for me to learn. But learn it I did. I forget sometimes, but they are fewer than they used to be.

And so I end on a more positive note. Our foster boy is one step closer, as of yesterday, to becoming a full-fledged member of our family. He would be child number 4 for us and this is something that he would like, or so he says right now. When asked by his case worker if he would want me and my wife to adopt him, he looked at her and said, "Yes, but then that means they can spank me." His case worker laughed and my wife gave her evil witches cackle while rubbing her hands together saying "It's been such a long time since I spanked a little boys bottom." If you know my wife you see the humor. If you don't, trust me, it's there. Speaking of the little man, here he comes, singing his alphabet. He sure is a morning person. I'd hate to see him when he starts drinking coffee.

On My Way Home

I left yesterday morning and started out from Rachel, NV. Good thing they fueled my truck. the gas station in Rachel is closed. For good maybe. But the Little A'Le'Inn was open and so I swung in there, picked me up a coffee and an ET Danish, talked with Pat and Connie for a bit, and headed out.

Actually had a drive on the Extraterrestrial highway (NV state route 375) and saw a weird bus with no markings turning up some dirt road headed straight out into the desert. Looked like the "51" folks were headed for work. There were a few "ET" watchers lining the highway with their high tech camera's, but our government has a lot better high tech stuff so they weren't getting too close.


Took the ET highway into Warm Springs and looked around. The bath house was closed but I was able to jump in the hot springs themselves. Apparently folks do not appreciate bathing au natural.


I took RT 6 into Ely and stopped at the Cell Block Steak House for lunch. Got me a little nap and headed out for Salt Lake City. I got into Salt Lake and figured with all the sitting around I'd been doing I could use a little exercise. So I found this walking tour and started out for a stroll. It probably would have been better if I had actually gotten there during the daylight hours. But it was a nice stroll nonetheless. Saw some beautiful architecture and one amazing building that had some pretty cool looking angels with trumpets on top of these really tall spires. Looked sort of like a church or something which is what it turned out to be. Went inside and heard these folks practicing. They didn't sound half bad.


Got back from my stroll, had a snack and headed for bed. Looked like it was going to be a long run home. But I figured since the government was paying my mileage home I might take a few side trips on the way.


Got up early and headed out stopping in Evanston, WY for breakfast at Billy-Bob's Cowboy Chuckwagon. All this good food wasn't too great for my heart so I figured I would slow down some and maybe make some shorter days out of it.

Left Evanston and headed out towards Rawlings, WY. I had heard there was some pretty cool stuff to see there so I figured I would check it out. Te rumors were true. But that will have to follow in the next edition. I will try not to take so long next time. Have fun and stay tuned for more fun from the road.

Quickly Part 3 and the last. It's a long one.

Well, I have been released and I will soon be on my way east. Got a long way to go. But since I was "working" for a government entity for the last couple days, I have to take a few hours off, ten to be exact, in order to get my swindle sheets up to snuff.

Ok, this is it.

I'm looking in the hole and I see something glowing down there. Looks like a big rock but it's glowing like a Lava Lamp. Colors shifting and moving. Not like there's anything alive in there but just shifting colors. at least that's what I thought anyway.

Apparently our government wasn't taking any chances.

What ever it was about 10 feet down in this hole and I couldn't reach it, not sure I wanted to at this point, and so I left it and went back to my truck, got my warning triangles out set them up back down the highway. Since my trailer was unhooked, I set some flares out as well for a little extra light. Not too much later the State Trooper shows up and starts asking the usual questions.

"What happened? Is anyone hurt? What are you hauling? Where's you're log book?" that sort of thing. I tell him what all happened and I think that a meteor hit my trailer.

"You sure it wasn't a meteorite?" he says.

Here we go again. I show him the hole and let him make up his own mind. He gets on the radio and calls it in to whoever they call that stuff in to and says the Chief Trooper will call back in a few minutes.

And then the fun begins. From here on it's a cross between ET and Silkwood. Not five minutes later, and the chief trooper hasn't called yet by the way, a huge black tractor-trailer with no markings comes flying up beside me and stops in the middle of the road, blocking both lanes. I figure that's not too bright, somebody's gonna get hit, but then it dawns on me that since the trooper showed up, no other traffic has passed me. Found out later the road had been closed about 4 miles behind me. Man, they move fast.

The back and two doors on the side of the trailer open up and about 8 or 9 guys jump out in those Tyvec looking suits, all covered up and with the breather masks on and everything. They must do this a lot cause nobody said a word. They all just started running around, each one doing there own particular thing. Four of the guys, and these were big fellows, came over to me and the trooper and grabbed us both up without a word and hustled us in through the side door of the trailer. I glanced down the road toward the hole as I was carried inside and saw the two others walking slowly in the direction of the hole, carrying a large steel looking box between them and looking at something that I assumed might be a Geiger counter or something like that.
The trooper and I were tossed in the trailer where two other guys in rubber suits shoved us toward the back of the trailer. That thing sure looked a lot bigger on the inside than it appeared to be on the outside.

We were summarily stripped of our clothes, without even dinner and a glass of wine first, and forced into a chemical shower of sorts. Ever see the movie Silkwood where Meryl Streep, I think it was her, gets that forced shower after being exposed to radiation? Let me tell you, NO FUN AT ALL!!! And these guys were scrubbing hard. I was as red as a beet when they got done.

Apparently they trashed or burned or sealed up all my clothes cause after they were done scrubbing I was given one of the Tyvec suits to wear, but without the helmet. Guess they figured if I wasn't dead yet from breathing whatever was out there it probably wasn't going to happen. Or if it did, it might solve some of their problems.

The trooper looked just as pissed as I felt. Good thing they took his gun. He looked like he wanted to use it. Anyway, we were both shoved into this little cubicle near the shower, the door slammed and locked behind us. There we were, sitting there looking at each other and wandering what the heck was going on.

"Who'd you call?" I asked the trooper.

"Just my dispatch," he said. "But the chief didn't say anything about these guys." "Well who are they then?" I asked.

"No idea," he said. "Never seen them before in my life. Never even heard of them."

"Hell, I've heard of them before. Haven't you ever seen ET or Men in Black? That's what they look like."

"That's just Hollywood", he said.

"Hollywood or not", I said, "these guys are serious. I'm clean in places I never knew I had."

We sat for a while and just tried to listen to what all was going on outside but we really couldn't hear much. After about 2 hours, or at least that's what it seemed like, the door opens and we are moved to two seats further up towards the front of the trailer. Two of the big guys, still wearing their suits buckled us in and then we heard the truck start moving. It was pretty weird being in the back of a moving trailer. I'd only ever ridden in the tractor, you know. When you're back there in the back and you can't see the road coming at you, you can't roll with the road curves. It's like riding a really slow roller coaster blind. Weird feeling, that's for sure.

But apparently we didn't have far to go. It wasn't to long before the truck started taking smaller and smaller roads until we were finally running on something that felt like washboard dirt. And it was. The truck stopped and the doors opened up again and we are on a dirt road right next to a field that must have been a half mile long, whatever was growing there had apparently been cut recently, and there sits this big helicopter. Now I'm no big fan of flying and I have sworn I would never try a chopper but the Beastie Boys at my back weren't giving me much of an option.

Both the trooper and I were escorted, HA!, more like thrown into the chopper and the big boys followed us in. We took off and headed back east. I leaned forward and hollered at the pilot, "Hey, I just came from there. You wanna take me St Louis in this thing? I'll buy you a drink at the casino." No sense of humor. I watched my truck and trailer get smaller as we flew away.

We landed about 10 minutes later at a small airfield and were hustled off the helicopter and onto a business type jet. Beavis and Butthead buckled us in again and in about 3 minutes we were in the air again, this time headed west. "This is more like it", I said. "I can be in St Louis in no time at this rate. Do we get a movie on this flight? How about a cocktail?" Still no sense of humor. I figured wherever we were going, at least I wasn't driving so that left one thing. Nap time.

I'm not sure what time it was when I woke up but we were landing. I could feel my ears popping and in a couple minutes we were on the ground. Still dark as sin out there so I wasn't sure where we were yet. But when they opened the door and Jeff and Mutt dragged us outside, it was then that I could smell the sage. that's when I figured desert, government, things from space, must be Nevada. Maybe even Area 51.

From the plane to a military style hummer to a big building to a jail cell. Maybe it was a brig since it was all military looking. Not sure what the difference is. Sure didn't seem like much of a difference if there was any.

So there I was sitting in my cell trying to sneak onto my laptop, still hurting from that little hiding game, and here comes this guy in a white coat.

"So you're the driver, "he says.

"Yep. that's me," I said. "And I still haven't been paid for the pizza. Tell them it's cash only."
At last, a small grin. Not much but I can work with that.

"Do you know where you are?" he asks.

"I don't think it's Disneyworld," I say.

"Well, you're right about that. It sure is not Disneyworld."

"So where am I?"

"Area 53"

"53?"

"53"

"Why not 51"

"Because we don't think there is anything living on the meteorite that hit your truck."

"So it's a meteorite, then?"

"Yes, what did you think it was?"

"I thought it might be a meteor."

"Common mistake."

"So if this isn't Area 51 why didn't we go to Area 52?"

"52 isn't working right now. we're having some plumbing problems. "

"Somebody flush ET?"

"No, that would have been 51, remember?"

"So what's the plumbing problem?"

"It took too much water to fill the pool and now the mess hall sinks are dry. Just sucking air. We gotta wait for the well to fill back up."

"Pool?!"

"Never mind about that. We just wanted to check with you about the meteorite that hit your truck. Can you tell us about it?" "Sure", I said. "I was driving down the road...and lets see...what happened next...oh yeah...A METEOR HIT MY TRUCK!!"

"Meteorite."

"Oh yeah, meteorite. That's right."

"Is that all?"

"That's pretty much it. After that the Galactic Calvary showed up, scrubbed us inside and out, and whisked us away to this high class resort we're at right now. So where do we go from here?"

"What do you mean, 'where do we go'?"

"What's next?" For a white coat, this fellow sure had a dim bulb.

"We are waiting on some blood work tests to come back and if all is still normal we should be releasing you to be on your way."

"So I'm in Nevada, right?"

"I'm not really supposed to answer that, but yes. You are in Nevada."

"And how am I supposed to be on my way? Last thing I knew I was in Illinois and so was my truck. You all gonna fly me back there?"

"Actually, you're truck arrived about 2 hours ago. If all is well, you can drive back."

"You realize how far that is?"

"Believe me. I know exactly how far we are from everything. It seems like there is nothing to do out here but work."

"I am so sorry for your predicament. You know, if I weren't sitting here behind bars I might have a little more sympathy for you. but alas, this is where I am."

"I see"

"So let me get this straight. If my blood work comes back normal and I don't have any weird crap growing inside me I have the distinct honor of climbing back in my truck and driving an extra 2000 miles in order to get where I was going in the first place."

"Yes, that is correct."

"You mind telling me who's paying for all this. Never mind my time that I have lost but the fuel alone is going to cost me over a grand."

"I guess that's where you get lucky. the government is paying for it."

"Really?"

"Really. You see, since you were picked up in that truck you actually became a ward of the US government until we released you. So we picked up all your expenses as well as paid you at a fair rate."

"And what do you call a fair rate?"

"How about $67 an hour? That is around the clock and already includes hardship pay so don't try to pull a fast one on us by filing for that at a later date."

"$67 bucks an hour? Sounds fair to me." Actually it sounded pretty darn great. So I was going to argue with the doc here too much. Besides, they hadn't really treated me too bad now that I thought about it. Just a few pokes and prods. A minor kidnapping. But I did get a free flight out of the deal and with that sort of money in my pocket I might stop in Vegas on my way back. Never know what can happen there, right? heh heh.

“Alright, you got a deal”, I said. “I’ll just sit here quietly until my tests come back and then I’ll be on my way.”

“Thank you for being so understanding. We really are sorry about this whole thing,” he said. “But you can never be too careful. What with all the stuff coming in every day from space.”

“WHAT?”

“Never mind. I shouldn’t have said that. Anyway, I’ll let you know when the tests get back.”

It was another hour before Doc came back to me to tell me that I was all clear, no parasitic killer worms growing in my gut, and that I could get on out of there. I gathered up all my personal belongings which amounted to squat since all I had on was a paper suit, and I headed for my truck. Actually, I was pleasantly surprised. Seems they had even washed it for me and when I climbed inside and fired it up I noticed that the fuel gauge was reading full. So the first tank was already paid for. Cool. After getting my bearings and figuring out exactly where I was, which was extremely difficult since neither Area 51, 52, or 53 show up on any maps, I headed for the main road. And I was on my way.

I did sign a non-disclosure agreement that said I would not disclose the location of where I was held so I can’t really tell you exactly where it is but I doubt you would really want to visit them there anyway. Too much poking and prodding for my tastes.

So after I finish getting my hours caught up, since apparently I was on the clock the whole time I was incarcerated, I will be heading home. I’ll try to share some of the things that I see as I head home. As I look back over this I think, man, this looks like it might have been made up or something. Except if that were the case I would probably have a whole lot more excitement in the story. Well, we’ll see.