Irritation

I live on a fairly busy street corner. It's a four way stop right across from a city park which is very nice, for the kids especially this time of year, and I am one block from the busiest video store in town and three blocks from the high school. I love my house and overall I love the location. But...

Our town, like most in this fine country of ours, has a noise ordinance. If I can hear your music outside your car from 25 feet away it's too loud. At least that's what the town fathers think. Actually, I would think 5 feet is more appropriate but then that's just me. The old fat man with bad ears and a chip on his shoulder.

Now before you right me off as a curmudgeon, let me finish.

I'm sure you've all heard of kickers; those monster speakers that kids put in their cars so that the bass can vibrate their fillings out. Not only do they cause brain damage, which was recently proven in a study conducted by the National Society for the Prevention of Idiot Drivers, but they also rattle the screws of your car loose causing various automobile debris to litter our streets and highways. There was a young man at work who had one in his car and he thought it would be cool to see how loud it would go. He proceeded to crank it up forgetting that noise is made up of multiple waves that move and like most waves can possibly cause damage when it comes into contact with a stationary object. The stationary object in this case being the two back windows of his car. It was real sad to see him coming to work with plastic covering his back windows after they were shattered by his "fun" but we chuckled anyway. That's what old people do mostly is chuckle.

Well, with a four way stop in front of my house right down from the high school, I am exposed to these "kickers" on a regular basis. Therefore I have come up with a solution that I think you will love and you will probably want to install yourself. This will be fine and I will send you the necessary forms to fill out for franchisee rights if you are interested.

I call my invention The Kicker Cooler.

What I did was run a sprinkler line from my house water line to the street corner in front of my house with an electrical line running along side the water line in a separate conduit. At the end of the water line I installed one high pressure sprinkler head with a reservoir adapter between the head and the line. A reservoir adapter is similar to one of those chemical weeder things you attach to the end of your garden hose to keep crab grass down. As the water runs by the reservoir it sucks up a little of the chemical thereby saving you the trouble of having to mix your chemicals beforehand. The electrical line goes from the house to the sprinkler and operates the sensor unit which I installed. this sensor is sound activated and is set to go off at a certain decibel level. Exactly what the level is I am not sure as I am still in the adjustment phases.

So here's what happens. A young man or woman, ideally in a convertible pulls up to the stop sign in front of my house. There music volume is set to "deaf in two years" on the dial. I meanwhile am on the porch awaiting the show. The rest of this scenario occurs very quickly so try not to miss it.

Teen in car at stop sign

Loud music coming from car

Loud music triggers sound sensor

Sound sensor trips water valve at house

Water valve opens sending water down sprinkler line

Water rushes through sprinkler line to sprinkler head which is aimed 36 inches off the ground at 8 feet of distance

As water passes reservoir it picks up a small amount of nail polish remover

Water/NPR mixture rushes out head of sprinkler and blasts the car at the stop sign

I know, I know. You are all amazed at my genius. But here are a few things you may not know. Nail polish remover also acts as a paint remover on automobile paint thereby making the locating of the offending noise violators much easier for the police after I have called them. Also the sprinkler head that I installed is one that I modified from a tombstone maker. In other words, with the right pressure it'll cut through stone. A Dodge Neon can't stand up to that kind of force. (chuckle chuckle)

Plus I added small motor at the end of the line that will twist the sprinkler head back and forth and up and down insuring (or is it ensuring) full coverage. If the car windows are down, the effects are that much more enjoyable.

That is until last week. You see here's the problem.

In our town like most towns, there are things that make loud noises, that are coincidentally loud enough to trip my sensor, that are also supposed to be that loud. I can see you're already ahead of me.

We had an accident about two blocks from me and while no one was seriously injured in the accident, the police and ambulance and, yes it's true, the fire department were all dispatched to the scene. And here they come. Racing down my street. Cars are moving aside for them but it's still busy and they are not really making good time. That was their first mistake.

The police car was the first one to the stop sign and he paused to make sure a little old woman at the cross street was going to stop for his siren. That, friends, was his second mistake.

My ingenious system went off like clockwork. A high pressure blast hit the door of the police car at about 2100 feet per second. The spray wobbled back and forth soaking the car and the officer who, unfortunately had his window down. As I sat on the porch watching the show and dreading the repercussions that I knew would occur, I was amazed to see the sign "Protect and Serve" begin to slide down the officer's door until all that was left was "Pro.....n.......e". The irony was not lost on me at the time for I knew I would be "prone" as well before long.

But, to my surprise, the officer did not completely stop but continued to the accident. This was his third mistake. Because right behind him were the ambulance and the fire truck in close order. I was not certain if my "Kicker Cooler" would have time to reset itself before the ambulance or the fire truck reached it but apparently my engineering skills are better than I had previously thought.

The town of Galion now has three, yes, count them, three municipal vehicles with what appears to be a tie-dyed stripe down the driver's side, one police officer with a new blond streak on his left side, and one of it's finer citizens awaiting a court trial on charges of "criminal mischief". Luckily bail was pretty low since the judge had a hard time hearing the case. For some reason he couldn't quit giggling. I don't think he liked that particular officer but I don't know that for sure.

If you would like to contribute to my defense fund please call 1-800-Free-OFM (OFM=Old Fat Man). An operator will walk you through the steps and give you a confirmation number for your tax records. I take Visa, MasterCard, Am ex, Discover, Pay pal, Cash, Checks, and Green Stamps. If you would like a "Kicker Cooler" system of your own please indicate that as well. Operators are standing by.